So...
This thing really confuses me, and I think there might be old posts linked to this from aages ago, where I was moaning my little nose off. And I used a fake name and I can't remember what fake name, but hey. I'll use Lily, because it's my current ~favourite name (yes, I'm five), but really because I don't want people I know knowing this is me. Not that I'm planning on unleashing some huge, exciting secrets (mainly because I don't have any) but just because I kind of want somewhere I can rant and ramble and moan without people knowing it's me. I'd love it if anyone would want to follow me, and I probably will post some inteteresting-ish, not overly self-obsessed posts at some point (ignore any old posts, they're bound to be shit; I don't know how to delete them, I'm a technology fail). But anyway...
I'm 15, in my final year of high school and living in the UK. I'm incredibly quiet and awkward around most people; it takes me a long time to feel in my element around people, unless I've got some of the few people I really love and trust around me in which case I'm generally more open. Despite this, I don't think many (if any) people really know me; it's like there's two versions of me that people see, and neither of them are entirely correct. There's the quiet, shy, awkward, spaced-out version that people I know only vaguely think I am, and then there's the lively, bubbly, silly, happy, irritating but funny and upbeat version of myself that I am around people I know a little better. I'm not sure either of these people really exist; the first one is who I am because I'm scared of letting people in and being myself, and the second because...I don't know. It's like I have to act stupidly because if I take life seriously then it scares the shit out of me, and I have to actually think about things, and for me thinking means pretty much non-stop worrying. I have enough of this when I'm on my own or at particularly low points where I just can't pretend,so if I'm not feeling too bad and around friends then I'll be this silly, carefree person and almost, ALMOST forget about who I really am for a while.
Not that I'm entirely sure who that is...but I can try, anyway.
I care a lot about things and people; I don't know why, everything just seems to mean more to me than it does to other people. I don't understand how people just can't care, or how they can just accept what people tell them without a second thought. I'm pretty much constantly questioning everything, even my own thoughts and feelings; I don't know if it's this, all the shit I've got over the years, the part of me that always just really, really wants to fuck things up or what, but my mind is pretty messed up and has been for a while now, though I'd never let anyone know (except jokily, but that doesn't really count does it?). I find it really hard to talk about myself, my feelings and my problems and feel like I'm being self-absorbed when I do; I can't stand self-obsessed, attention-seeking people, and my hatred is the only thing that stops me from being one of these people; I constantly crave attention, and it takes everything in me not to go all out for it. It's weird, because I'm so shy; it's like...I don't know, it's hard to describe. I want everyone to love me, to care about me and want to spend time with me, but at the same time I want to keep a distance from them. I don't like people much in general; I know that makes me sound like such a bitch, but I just don't. And I can't imagine myself liking someone enough to love them, let alone someone liking me enough to love me, which is shit because...
Anyway. I'll stop rambling. If you actually follow me after this you are either really fucking mad or really fucking lovely. Or both. Who cares, really?
